wanna go halves on a baby?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
