Your face is a jimmy john
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
