why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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