That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
one two three fourrrrnication!
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
