We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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