having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
