god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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