i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
