It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
