Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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