Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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