Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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