I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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