It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
