I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
