Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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