I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
