His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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