my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
