I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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