I want you more than these girls want KFC
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
