Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
