just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
