even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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