Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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