i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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