I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
