Pants 0. Shit 1.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
