just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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