Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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