I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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