i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
