I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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