I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
