If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
