I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
