At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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