just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
