Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
The ass gains better be worth it
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