I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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