Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
