he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I have fence marks all over my body
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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