My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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