I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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