We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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