p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
