Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just took my morning after pill in the library
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
