She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
