And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
