Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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