Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Randomize
