this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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