she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
