I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
