paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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