Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize