i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
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