My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
