Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
