I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
