If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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