so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
